Grief Awareness: Meaningful Ways to Support the Grieving

August 30 is Grief Awareness Day. Throughout the month, we’ll explore different elements of grief, including causes, ways to show support, and what the grieving people in your life wish you knew.

Today, we’ll continue exploring different themes of grief as we prepare for Grief Awareness Day. Let’s dive into meaningful ways to show support when someone you love is grieving.

Decenter yourself.

When someone you love is grieving, it’s natural to want to help them. As you prepare to show up for your grieving loved one, it’s important to decenter yourself. Your desire to help during this sacred time can’t be rooted in you “fixing” things, or in things being convenient for you. Making sure that you’re not your own center of attention will make a world of difference. Your intention at this time should be showing up for your friend or loved one in ways that are convenient for them; putting them first as you ask: What’s the best way for me to support you right now? I am here for you.

What can I do?

Grief is universal – it’s something we all experience. Even though it’s an inevitably universal experience, the ways in which people move around and within their grief is unique to them. Just like the causes of grief are different, the experience a grieving person has is personal. We asked some folks how they best felt supported in times of grief. Here’s what they said:

When she’s grieving, Hope says that people allowing you to process your emotions while holding your hand through it is imperative:

“Not judging or offering advice, just being there during the raw emotions. Just someone being present with you.”

~ Hope, on grieving miscarriage

“I felt supported when the people around me trusted my narrative around my divorce. When other people trusted my point of view, it felt easier to do the hard work, and respond to my grief in a healthier way.”

~ Katie, on grieving divorce

Grief doesn’t necessarily mean sadness. There’s no real limit to the variety of emotions we can experience during grief. Some people might feel devastation and sorrow, while others might be experiencing apathy, exhaustion, or anger. While grieving the loss of her father, and how that impacts her now as she becomes a mother, Sam says:

“I just need people to be there with me when I need to talk about my frustrations or anger around the situation and then respect when I need time alone in my feelings.”

~ Sam, on recurring grief during a life change

Triggers in grief.

When you’re preparing to support a grieving person, it’s important for you to know that there are unknown numbers of things that might trigger more intense feelings at any given time. While grief triggers are just as unique as the grief itself, here are a few things that might cause more intensified grief over time:

·         Anniversary of loss/change

·         Significant dates without someone such as holidays, birthday parties, weddings, or important life achievements

·         Looking at old photos

·         Visting familiar places

·         Going on new adventures

·         Significant markers in the passage of time (milestone birthday, an anniversary, the birth of a child)

·         A familiar scent

·         Movies/music/other media

As you prepare to support your loved one in their grief, make a point to gently ask what events/occurrences they might feel anxious about.

The long haul.

Though society tries to imply that grief is something to get over and move on from, grieving people know that timelines aren’t real here. Grief follows us, it manifests differently, and it can be hard to identify what might trigger a grieving person, even years into a grief cycle. A really important way you can support the grieving person in your life is by remembering them, especially if grief has taken up a permanent residence.

“When my dad died, there were so many people around. My phone frequently chimed with calls or texts from well-intentioned people checking in. Within two weeks, everyone had returned to their life, while I was stuck. I was staring at this hole that used to be my life, I felt like a stranger to myself, and I felt so alone. After all the organizing and memorializing, I came up for air and everyone around was gone. Have you allowed yourself to grieve? Someone asked. As if grief was an item on my to-do list, and I could simply tick it off. I don’t know what that means, because grief is pervasive. Grief is around me and beside me. It’s not something I can simply do or accomplish; it’s something permanently packed; ever-present. I felt I wanted someone who was just as ever-present. Someone who wouldn’t feel tired of my sadness and anger; someone who wouldn’t take it personally if I still didn’t have the bandwidth to make plans. I needed someone who recognized that I was in an entirely new landscape, living inside a nightmare each day, and didn’t rush me through my sorrow. Someone who remembered me.”

~ Tyler, on grief after death when everyone seems to have moved on

As Tyler said, grief is pervasive. The timeline is different for everyone, and for some there is no timeline, grief is simply there. Being a friend who can withstand the discomfort of grief for the long haul is an incredibly meaningful avenue of support.

The complexity of grief.

When Sarah lost her loved one to Alzheimer’s, her grief was complex:

“It was bad enough losing him to physical deterioration, but it feels different when you lose someone mentally and emotionally before they are actually gone; when they look at you and don’t know who you are. A hug from those who matter most in my life always helps.”

~ Sarah, on grieving the death of a loved one

Sarah also shared that reminiscing about happier times helps to soothe some of the ache of grief. As you support someone in their time of grief, consider sharing memories or asking questions to communicate to your loved one that you care about what they lost.

Another complexity of grief resides with what produces grief. Grief is most commonly considered the thing that comes after a death, but there are all sorts of life changing scenarios that make way for grief.

“When I moved onto a new job, I was surprised to feel grief. It felt odd to categorize it as grief, but I grieved my routine, my relationships with my everyday coworkers. I also felt grief over never being in the same exact place again – I’d grown and changed so much there, but I also lost some of myself, and now it was time to move on. Having friends to talk to during this big transition was really important for me.” 

~ Ben, on grieving a life change

Grieving people will navigate grief in their own ways and at their own pace. Loneliness is an impact of grief, and having a trusted friend for the highs, lows, and longevity of grief can make such a difference. Get creative with how you show up. Ask questions often. Plan to cook dinner once a week or pick up the mail. Ask if they need anything while you’re on your grocery run; offer to go for a morning walk together; remind them you’re there through grief’s changing tides.

It’s always the right time to make a call or send a quick text to let them know they’re on your mind, and ask the question: What’s the best way for me to support you right now? I am here for you.

Visit our blog again soon as we explore different ways you can support someone you love during a period of grief, as well as what grieving people wish everyone else knew.